Not as in "Free Willy" you jackass. As in Willy Loman. I now spend my days cold calling boutique owners and anyone else who might be interested in purchasing silver jewelry, cute tote bags and handbags, and whimsical t-shirts. Some days, it's tough. I pack up my things and roll out of here, coming back a few hours later with a pocket full of business cards and some blisters on my feet.

Today, armed with a variety of samples, I was hurrying down the 147 steps near my home, full of energy for a first planned sales call, when I saw a dead animal in my way. It was lying on a step. Crap - do I walk back up and around, or just try to get by as quickly as possible? I was already down 130 of the steps. That's a lot of steps to climb. I was hoping this wasn't foreshadowing a horrible day of unsuccessful sales attempts. After bracing myself and looking the other way, I managed to scoot by the carcass without tripping, and I never looked back.

Sales is not a job function for the negatively minded. And, lest you be rather thick headed, I tend to be pessimistic... It's a strategy of optimism, really. If I expect the worst, I will be happy when things go better than expected.

So, I am trying to retrain my brain after 31 years of pessimistic programming. If I want to survive as the front person for my business, I will need to accept many rejections along the way.

Thankfully, today was not a typical Willy Loman today. It rocked! I didn't close any sales, but I got some strong leads and was not outright rejected. See how that pessimistic optimism thing works?

So, I have Willy Loman dreams, as well as two new blisters. I can make it big! Hopefully, I won't turn out as he did.

I'm not sure why this is the case, from where my indecision originates, or when I even began to realize it, but I have the hardest time making decisions. In business school, I couldn't decide which summer internship to accept, so I arranged to do two. Upon graduating, I couldn't decide between two very different jobs, and I listened to the advice of a friend and probably made the wrong decision. And today, I was confronted with yet another career choice.

I had interviewed and received a position that excited me. I was to be the part-time program director for a non-profit mentoring organization. I would match volunteer mentors with parolees, with the hopes that through positive role modeling, recidivism rates would be markedly lower for those enrolled in the program. The job seemed perfect for me in that I would be helping those who wanted to be helped.

Now for the downsides of the position that I didn't learn about until I began. All of the people enrolled seeking help had been charged with and incarcerated for committing murder, kidnapping, or rape. This bit of information caused quite a stir among my faily and friends. Especially when coupling those facts with the statistic that under the mentorship program, there is a 30% recidivism rate, much lower than 70% without the program, yet still a high incidence of criminal activity.

This new information about my job bothered me. After much deliberation, I decided to turn down the opportunity, but only after really pndering it. The conflict was not so much in whether I wanted the position. Given the concerns of those close to me, I had decided that the job probably wasn't for me. My internal conflict arose because I didn't want to let the organization down. I had given them my word that I would accept the position, and I felt horrible not abiding by my word. Granted, when I agreed to the position, I didn't have all of the facts. Nonetheless, I struggled between relieving family and friends by not taking the job or satisfying the executive team at the organization by taking on the responsibility despite some personal hesitation.

When will I grow up and learn to make decisions for me?

It seems I'm growing more bitter with each relationship I develop with non-profit organizations.

For the past 2 years, I have stored an array of office items throughout my garage free of charge for a public high school that was trying to get off the ground. I was helping them, for free, on the planning side as well, but they mysteriously stopped including me in their planning sessions. I recently needed the space cleared, and they hesitated in responding to my request. They kept scheduling a time to pick up their items, always in the middle of a week day, then cancelling at the last moment. They wanted to keep the things stored at my place longer, despite my request which included the reasons why I needed the space when I did. Their movers finally arrived, but an hour prior to our scheduled appointment. One of the contacts called to thank me, but somehow, after all we went through to finally have the items removed, I wasn't left with the glow of having done something nice that was appreciated.

While the camp fiasco is still too new to go into details, I'm continuing to be plagued in its aftermath. I submitted my expenses, and they now want to walk through each line item. I went out of my way to save money for these people. I took connecting flights, borrowed a car rather than rented, bought things at the 99 cent store, used coupons, contributed personal items and supplies for which I did not charge, and dedicated twice the time they were expecting. I slept on a couch rather than in a hotel room, I ate home cooking rather than going out. I was well within the budget they had outlined, and now I'm being questioned before they reimburse me for items for which I have already paid. This is not the first time. Some years ago when working with the same organization, they asked me to front a few thousand dollars for an organized event. It took them over 6 months to reimburse me. I didn't think I was running a banking system.

And most recently, I have been working with a mentoring organization. I knew that the mentees had served some prison or jail time, but I was not told until getting into the thick of things that the mentees were all rapists, kidnappers, and murderers, and I was expected to develop relationships with them, potentially giving them rides in my personal vehicle. I am not sure why I didn't think to ask about the specific offenses of the program participants. I believe I took it on faith that they would have volunteered such information early on.

So, is the conclusion to abandon charitable work? I hope not. I suppose I have yet to find the right cause that respects and appreciates its contributors.

After more than a month of constant travel, to exotic places like Los Angeles, Oahu, and Seattle, I'm finally home. At the moment, I'm feeling somewhat minimalist. I've lived out of a suitcase for so long, that coming home to closets full of clothes, piles of magazines and other mail, and tons of stuff seems overwhelming. I'm sure that feeling won't last long.

Still job hunting. Still attempting to become an entrepreneur. Still ticked off at people and companies who provide poor service. OK - I guess nothing has changed.